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2026-08-25

I should be more proud of myself for not having killed myself yet

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I don't know I was just reading some person's story where they say they've had a bunch of romantic relationships by age 23 and I'm like, lmao what?
Rationally I know this makes sense ofcourse, I've met multiple people like this too if I think enough, it is not that rare also.
But emotionally it feels a bit weird. I think I automatically compare it to myself and I'm like, lol, I was only convinced my life was worth living at the age of 22. Any relationships (romantic or platonic) don't mean much when you're indifferent as to whether you live or die.
So yeah, repeating this so it sticks. I have gone through unbearable hell far worse than I can bear. And I have made it out alive.
I have made it you fuckers! I am still alive. Now you will see who is boss.

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I don't know, this post does mildly trigger in me feelings like, you have made me suffer, now it is your turn to suffer. "you" = the world
But no, I don't think I want any specific person to suffer. I want to dominate the world yes, I want to reshape it so that all the fuckery that people did to me does not happen again. I want to remake the social fabric so that people similar to people who hurt me don't get to hurt more people similar to me.
And obviously this is going to require lots of violence. So be it.
Most forces of authority don't give up without a fight. Fight fire with fire.
The fact that I am hesitating naming names is itself proof that they still have power.

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Actually not end of note.
Yes really. The biggest achievement of my entire life is that I have not committed suicide yet.
From the outside you can easily point to N other achievements. Like okay I made a bunch of money while young or I am smart or educated or not too unattractive or have good friends or whatever
But I don't care about that anywhere as much as the fact that I haven't killed myself.
One of these is way more important than the rest of them combined. I am alive. I have a purpose. I am capable of experiencing happiness. I am steering my life in a direction I actually like, not the direction that ... honestly it makes me too angry to even type it out.
I like being this level of open and honest about my life. I really do believe the alternative is literal trillions of years of human suffering that is kept secret, because the people causing the suffering use their power to force it to stay secret.
Why are you trying to explain yourself to these people? Do you think they will ever get it?
They might, if you write posts more coherently than this. Like, few high-quality notes for others instead of lots of low-quality notes for yourself.
That is not a plan I am executing on right now though.
Good bye.
You are happy. You remember you want to meet who make you happy. There are people I like in my life. I feel warm just thinking about them.

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