2026-08-30
My entire childhood has trained me not to care about people
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- I deliberately avoid talking about my childhood on the internet. But this just seems true.
- As an adult, I can choose to change. I can choose to care more. I seem to be choosing not to.
- This makes me sad.
- But in a sense it also feels like the correct choice. Trust mathematics not your feelings. Trust game theory.
- I can still care about people in selective contexts, but not 24x7. The world is far too dangerous to care about people 24x7. Being able to switch off your empathy for people is useful in some contexts.
Main 2
- Exercised and took bath. Ate. Swiped hinge some more. Late night mood is hitting. Feels nice. And different. I feel kinda melancholic.
- I remember the night sky from Kohima. So different and so peaceful. Idk I saw someone's profile it had a small town railway station. Railway stations in small towns hit different. Especially at night.
- Moradabad station is a nightmare though lol don't ask.
- I don't know I think I would travel even more small towns in India if I had infinite time, and could replicate myself or something.
- I miss travelling. I miss meeting new people. People in different towns carry different cultures. Cities are all the same, internet is homogenising everything.
- Hinge profiles are so memetic lol. Not only are the profile memetic but the people themselves are becoming more memetic as a result. I spoke to someone way back (on call) and I could immediately tell here are atleast 5 different phrases you would not use if you hadn't spent time on hinge.
- I am sure I have also internalised some phrases and whatnot from whichever culture. Definitely reading a bunch of SV blogs and general economics knowledge causes me to see the world in a more mathematical way - base rates, heavy-tailed distributions, dating as a problem with N samples from unknown distribution, lemon's market, etc. Oh I have definitely internalised atleast a little bit of Yudkowsky's anger, although I express it differently than him. I am aware that yelling at people on the internet goes only so far, you need to build actual weapons and actual hard power if you want to get anywhere.
- OK bye.
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