2026-08-12

# I want to feel chosen

Disclaimer
 - personal
 - target audience - strictly myself

Main
 - I know I said minimise theoretical posts, write only X-Y posts. I can't help myself though. I will be writing this post anyway.
 - I want sex, but I don't want it that badly or urgently. I want it ofcourse, no denying that. But also, it's not the end of the world if it takes some time to find.
 - I want a relationship full of love, but I also don't want it that badly or urgently. I want it too. But again, it's not the end of the world if it takes some to find.
 - Most of all, I think I want to feel chosen, and this is what I am craving most urgently and desperately. I think there is something deeply subsconscious within me that feels more like a person if someone chooses me. The difference between being rejected by 99% of society and 100% of society feels intense to me.
 - This is an annoyingly status-driven emotion lol, I just realised.

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Update
 - Some notes this prompted:
   - Maybe this is also why thinking about my past relationship makes me feel more safe and less anxious. Atleast someone chose me.
   - This quote by Naval Ravikant:

> My mother uniquely provided, against the background of hardship, unconditional and unfailing love. If you have nothing in your life, but you have at least one person that loves you unconditionally, it’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

 - Some more notes I am less sure are actually relevant.
   - My guess is if a woman (who I liked) told me they considered me brave for wanting to bomb TSMC, even while the whole world thought me weird or dangerous or whatever, I might fall in love with them, atleast in the moment. I just want one person to accept this side of me, that is clearly very important to me. (But irl, most women, atleast who I encounter, don't really understand this at all, or they have stupid reasons to be anti-AI, and hence even if they agree it will be for stupid reasons.)
   - Yudkowsky on Lonely Dissent. Still one of my favourite articles on the internet.
 - Maybe I just want unconditional acceptance? I don't know.
   - Like, if a woman agrees with me regarding bombing TSMC for leftist anti-AI reasons, this does not satisfy me because this is just luck that we both happen to agree on this point, tomorrow we might disagree on some other point.
   - Whereas I am looking for something closer to unconditional acceptance, which I don't really believe exists, so why am I looking for it?
   - I want to fuck a lot of women who I don't seem to intellectually respect, like, at all. Why do I expect them to intellectually agree with me? That's so stupid.
 - I will cut short this note to avoid going into yet another introspective loop. Go back to following X-Y rule.

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Update 2
 - Holy shit I just realised my current life plan is also downstream of this.
   - "There is no such thing as unconditional love. There is no such thing as a person who can be entrusted with your secrets with above 99% probability. There will always be someone who turns against at a sufficient price point. This is why we can succeed at paying people inside social circles of people working at US AI comapnies and US govt to defect against them and leak their information."